13Nov: i woke up smiling today.

see, i don't need help. i just needed to talk. everything's okay today, right? i woke my husband up for work. he hugged me and told me to have a good day. i had the day off of work, so i called matt to see about those errands we were supposed to get to the night before.

i'm doing fine today, i bragged. no problems at all.

"you're swinging towards 3:00, then?" we had a code about my moods. i'm a pendulum on a clock. as my mood gets better, i swing closer to 3:00. 9:00 is a bad time for me to swing towards. no, i'm fine.

"you still need help."

i told him about what my husband said the night before. he has a valid point. good therapists aren't cheap. and besides, i don't need it. i've been through this before. all i need is a day off. i'm fine now.

"we'll talk later."

i felt like the previous day had all been a bad dream. hear voices? bah! not me. i checked email. the friend i had emailed right after the dream was concerned about me. i'm okay, i sent back. really. don't worry, just a false alarm.

i started swinging more toward 6:00 right before matt got to the house. who was i kidding? i could only fool myself and be an actress around others for so long.

fine, i said to matt when he got to my house. i can deal with the fact that i need help. i'm scared. i don't know what this will do to me. i'm okay with myself the way i am. and what about being my own friggin' therapist? what about st. john's wart? or ginko biloba? what about self-help books?

"i still think you need to seek help," he said. "whatever is with you, you need to have diagnosed. do it for yourself, not by yourself."

fine. i will. eventually.

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